By Ronit Molko

One of the most persistent misconceptions about people with autism spectrum disorder is that they are automatons without emotion. This arises from the fact that autism is at its core a communication disorder. People on the spectrum often struggle to show emotion, which can give the impression that they are uncaring.

Studies have shown that people with autism can have even more capacity for feelings than neurotypical people but lack the ability to express them.

In fact, the desire to connect with others and build satisfying relationships is universal, even for those whose style of communicating is not typical.

For adults on the autism spectrum, dating and romance are fraught with challenges. Dating is a complex, abstract dance whose rules are sometimes irrational and difficult to understand. For people already facing difficulty communicating and reading social cues, it can be maddening.

In addition, some of the subtle social cues – and even some of the more overt – can elude an individual on the autism spectrum. They might not realize that it is inappropriate to pursue a romance with someone already in a relationship, or who has expressed that they are not interested, or who is in a teacher or caregiver role or is under 16. The result can be humiliating and confounding.

Movies, YouTube tutorials, and websites dedicated to dating and romance for people with disabilities like autism spectrum disorder proliferate on the Internet. Among the most searched autism-related questions on the web is about whether people with autism can get married. (Of course they can, and many do.) At UCLA, a program called PEERS teaches social interaction skills to teens and young adults with autism spectrum disorder.

Despite this, most autism services are aimed at early intervention. Very little formal treatment addresses the topic of dating and romance for people on the spectrum, even though this is an essential part of a happy life.

Because the young adults targeted by the PEER program think concretely, many of their lessons lay out step-by-step guidance for how to act in various situations, including dating. Covered topics include how to ease into conversation and establish rapport before proffering a date request, and how to smile an appropriately coy smile, rather than a toothy grin when flirting.

Many individuals on the spectrum have an aversion to touching, though this varies widely from person to person. For many neurotypical adults, it would be difficult to date someone unable or uninterested in physical displays of affection.

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, let’s not forget that people with disabilities possess the same innate need for love – platonic and romantic – as the rest of us. They may just express it differently.

To read more about the challenges facing the autism services industry plus ways we can advance care and improve outcomes for these individuals, check out my book!